Wade Armstrong

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The Messengers Episode 7: Forgiveness

Posted Monday September 11, 2006 in Business

Someday it might be nice to watch a reality-based TV show that doesn’t ruthlessly manipulate my emotions. The Messengers will, however, never be that show. This week’s episode asked us to tag along with our speakers as they met a woman whose daughter had died in an auto accident at the age of 21. We also got to see a little into the lives of some of our contestants, and learn about the power a speaker gains by showing vulnerability and letting the audience in.

The show started with an introduction to both the woman and her daughter; we learned how the daughter was just 21 and in college when she was killed, and we saw the closeness of the mother’s bond with her. Then, suitably upset, we got to meet the driver of the other car: a person who, at the time, had just turned eighteen and gotten his driver’s license, had made what was truly a small mistake, but one that resulted in the death of two people — the daughter in question and also his best friend, in the car with him. This young man was authentically contrite and hadn’t forgiven himself for what he’d done; but, remarkably enough, the mother of his victim had. They met, she gave him a big hug, and called him “a good kid.” Her forgiveness filled the room (granted, they used a tight shot).

Our remaining Messengers — Darryl, Daneea, “See”, and Angelica — were tasked to speak on the theme of Forgiveness. Having advanced so far in the program, all four gave very competent speeches, but one was clearly the weakest. Daneea, See, and Angelica all let us in, telling us about their own experiences with forgiveness. See and Angelica, in particular, spoke about deeply personal and traumatic experiences — for See, finding his mother murdered, and for Angelica, being sexually abused as a child — and thereby connected with the audience. But it turns out that speakers didn’t need to have the most unique or impressive stories, because Daneea got the highest number of votes for her speech, in which she talked about the normal, everyday people and acts you don’t forgive — old boyfriends, erstwhile friends, even oneself. In contrast, Darryl spoke only in broad terms and, while he used effective verbal tools to make his point, he ultimately fell short and was voted off.

Relating personal experiences and opening up to your audience is a great way to make an authentic connection, grab attention, and gain trust — after all, what any speaker really wants is for the audience to understand and believe what he or she has to say and take whatever action he or she recommends, and that demands both close attention and trust. At Toastmasters, every member’s first speech before the whole club is the “Ice Breaker,” a self-introduction that challenges an individual to get personal with an audience of people who are nearly strangers. After an Ice Breaker, members often begin to see real relationships build between themselves and the club members who had been their audience, and that’s no coincidence, because this chance to show a little vulnerability builds trust.

Opening up can help build relationships in any setting, whether in front of a large audience or one-on-one; in fact, in smaller settings, more personal discussion can often help. I once had the dubious pleasure of hearing a speech by master networker and probable narcissist Keith Ferrazi; he lectured my business school class on how to have an unsatisfying life by eschewing all normal interaction in favor of social climbing, but, in between, he actually gave some good advice — he told us to “go deep,” to make sure to open up and reveal something meaningful in every conversation with a new acquaintance. This is tough advice, but well worthwhile; how many essentially indistinguishable consultants, advertising executives, and financial analysts have you met at functions and then never remembered? Certainly, it’s not advisable to talk about that sore that keeps coming back, but your dreams, or how personal experiences led you to where you are now — those are memorable details that will stick with the people you met in the weeks and months to come, giving you a chance to renew your acquaintance and expand your network. Or, if you’re on stage, the personal connection helps your audience know you’re not just a corporate android, you’re a person with experiences and values just like them — maybe somebody they can trust.